Happiness--A Sometimes Not So Simple Task.

"We choose the path we take but sometimes the path can change. The East becomes the West, the North becomes the South, the normal becomes the abnormal, and the fantasy becomes reality."

Early this week a very dear lady asked me, "How do you maintain a constant state of happiness?" I chuckled to myself and very simply replied, "I don't." I am not in the business of perpetual happiness. I am in the business of life. I see no reason to be unhappy, but sometimes there is so much more to experiencing life than reason alone. Sometimes, emotion trumps reason. And I'm okay with that. To the very dear lady, I went on to explain my statement with what shaped up quite nicely into my unofficial pseudo-guidelines for experiencing life:

(1) Every action is the result of a choice.

Every move I make is the direct result of a personal choice. These choices can be acted upon sub-consciously or consciously, but my actions are the results of choice-making either way. One must live with the choices one makes; so choose wisely, for a future spent looking back is not a happy future. To live consciously is to act with awareness. To act with awareness is to live in the moment.

(2) Live in the present.

When you live consciously and act with awareness, you release yourself of your past and future. A mind occupied by thoughts outside of the present moment is a cluttered mind. Your best can not come from a multi-tasking mind. When you live in the past, you live with regrets. When you live in the future, you live with worry. Neither regret nor worry can bring happiness. The present presents you with choices that determine your future, and happiness is a choice.

(3) When in doubt, respond to life with logic and reason.

If for some reason you become lost in life, and you find you can not live with the choices you have made, take action so that your future may be different from your unhappy present. Should you find the thought of your life unbearable, try a different lifestyle on for size. Any new or atypical action is a step away from your momentary circumstances and a step toward happiness.

(4) Love.

When one is able to love and accept oneself, one is better able to love others; and to love others creates an exquisite natural and self-perpetuating high. Giving love to others brings love and positivity into your life. The more you give, the more you get. Feeding on that positive energy creates more positive energy upon which others may feed.

I've learned in the last six months that life can be lived as fast or slow as you want it to be lived. You can play by the rules or you can break them. You can sit passively or you can stand actively. You can use your mind, or you can depend on the minds of others. Bottom line, actively participate in your life; make choices that have consequences with which you can live happily. And when you lose sight of that--which, we all do--do something about it. All hope can never be lost. Never is it too late to turn your circumstances around. Tonight I dealt with some demons. I used logic to forgive myself and free my soul at last of some past regrets. I acted.

The Task of Happiness

If I have faltered more or less

In my great task of happiness;

If I have moved among my race

And shown no glorious morning face;

If beams from happy human eyes

Have moved me not: if morning skies,

Books, and my food, and summer rain

Knocked on my sullen heart in vain:--

Lord, Thy most pointed pleasure take

And stab my spirit broad awake;

Or, Lord, if too obdurate I,

Choose Thou, before that spirit die,

A piercing pain, a killing sin,

And to my dead heart run them in!

--Robert Louis Stevenson

Be Yourself--you owe it to the people around you.

So It's been almost a year since I returned from Bolivia and quite an experience. Today I took the last final exam of my first year at college. I've faced this last year of living in the states as a challenge, and I think I've met it well. A year in Bolivia opened my eyes to a new me, and I spent this year developing that new me. The most important thing I have come to believe is that happiness is good, and I want it in my life. Sure, I tend to worry people when I sit on the floor laughing at nothing, but I am ultimately happy most of the time--and that suits me just fine.

This year I have started using my brain more and my heart less--or, rather, I've found a happy balance between the two. I think a lot--probably too much. And I've become a lot quieter.

Anyway, I've been waiting to write my first post of this blog. And, after some recent events, I finally found some worthy starting material. Here goes:

Lesson learned: Be yourself--you owe it not only to yourself, but also to everyone that comes in contact with you.

The following is a letter I recently wrote to a few people in my life that I trust with anything:

I think in my life, though I can't really know, I could be faced with a big decision. And whatever decision I make is a decision I may always change at any moment, so there is nothing final about it. But it just feels like a big decision. I have one big decision, and two choices/options to take:

I have the choice to open up to people past a certain point, and I have the choice to NOT open up to people past a certain point.

I think for the last 20 years, I have chosen to NOT connect with people past a certain point. And now I am faced with the realization that if I ever want to experience love or anything new, I have to do some things I have been unwilling to do so far in my life. I would have to open myself entirely to another's judgement. And I think recently I learned how fucking terrifying that is for me. And the fact that it terrifies me tells me that I need to work on it, because it is unlike me to be so terrified. I brave the storm and deal with my demons typically.

So back to my choice. Do I open up and accept judgement? I spent the last 20 years married to myself and my thoughts. I try to live without judging people, and I try to love people that judge me. I am not saying I do a good job, but I try and I believe my efforts are done with a sound heart and mind. In my efforts to live a peaceful, calm life, I have become very slow-paced and relaxed in my daily decision-making. I have become very thoughtful. I have become very calm. I have also become very very happy. I smile soooooo much and find joy in so many trivial things. I've been very happy. And I haven't often been very sad or mad. AND THAT WORRIES ME NOW.

In opposition to Brene Brown, I believed that I can be very happy while simultaneously numbing sadness. Until now, I thought I had managed to do just that. But now I realize I have done so at a cost--at the cost of opening up entirely to anyone. And I imagine there must be GREAT joy to be had in doing such a thing--along with great sadness. So in a round about way, there exists the chance that I have truly been numbing myself of happiness in my unwillingness to experience opening up to someone....and I think that chance is probably very very likely.

So I now see an opportunity, and I get to gamble. I can choose to open up, and risk experiencing the emotions of misery and sadness and hardship while simultaneously experiencing total happiness and joy and beauty. In a way, it would be like divorcing myself and my thoughts--divorcing myself in an attempt to experience something outside of my perfect little box. And experiences are all I ever claim to want in the first place!

I can also choose to remain the same--to continue a quiet, slow life of peace. And I definitely like my life right now. If I didn't enjoy it, I wouldn't be living this way. But now I see choices. And curiosity has me wondering.

I received some great feedback and positive thoughts after that email. And I've spent some time thinking about it. I realized that I made a big deal out of nothing--something I tend to do quite often. :) But from that thinking I realized that I was not being myself with someone. And that was silly. Not only did I make things awkward for myself, but I really made things confusing and awkward for that someone--and that is an unkind and rude thing to do. I wasn't living life as I preach it.

So for now, I am trying to be myself. It is my right for myself, and my duty to others. I am in control of my life. I can say yes. I can say no. I have choices. And I intend to exercise my right to make those choices now.

I'm really such a silly girl. But I'm happy. Go forth and be yourselves!