I have been thinking hard on the following questions:When one chooses to engage in human relationships, is he necessarily 'sacrificing' his individuality? Is it boastful and conceited to even consider the loss of one's individuality within a group as a sacrifice? Is it noble to sacrifice one's individuality for the good of the group? From where does the desire and/or need to boast originate within a person? I have at least an idea from where that need originates within myself.
I want to love myself. I am jealous of people who love themselves. So I make them feel bad. This way I can feel better about myself.Then I push them far enough away to end the friendship entirely, and I still try to make them feel badly. I latch on to the concept of happiness so tightly in my mind that it becomes impossible to recognize and experience the actual happiness that already makes itself available to me.I victimize for my own personal gain the individual who loves his/her Self. I become an oppressor, they the oppressed. I the master, they the slave. I feed on this relationship and the power I imagine it gives me. I need to be better than everyone. I cheat them into believing they love me, so I am able to love myself. It's a cheap way to find love.
I don't know why I don't love myself. But I'm ready to quit being lazy, and find reasons to love myself. I'm ready to quit hurting the people around me who want nothing more than to be happy and to see me be happy too. I'm tired of asking them to slow down for me. And I'm ready to start speeding up. And I can only hope they are ready to forgive me. Because there will be people who can't forgive me.
I am so grateful for those beyond categorization. The individual person free of labels, neither a master nor a slave, is capable of revealing to a master his own weakness.
The individual is a curiosity to the master. The master, out of curiosity, provides a small space within his mind to house these curious thoughts. And that space grows, filling over time with bits and pieces of wisdom. One day, for one reason or another, the master starts to recognize the presence of this space. And it makes him feel uncomfortable and sad because he doesn't understand it. The master might even imagine himself to be infected. Then with more time, the master begins to put together the bits and pieces. And the master then sees the greater picture. He no longer feels infected, but fulfilled. He embraces these foreign emotions and lets them inundate him. In this flood of knowledge the foundation of old illusions on which the master's old feelings were constructed is washed away. The master becomes capable of seeing life for what it is. The master accepts and appreciates life's ups and downs. The master then relaxes with his personal decision to live life truthfully rather than to cling ignorantly to obvious illusions. The master is no longer a master, but an individual beyond categorization.
"Wherever you are today, don't forget to be yourself." Thank you Chris Guillebeau for your amazing words tonight. Such impeccable timing your blog posts always seem to have! Make your own category and own it. I'm in the process of figuring out my category. And man alive am I making mistakes! Thankfully I have people in my life who are no longer willing to wait around for me to keep making the same mistakes over and over again. I thank them for taking care of themselves, and I apologize for asking them to keep waiting around for me. I am also thankful for the people in my life that pick me back up after making mistakes. They too are important to me. They loan me their infinite wisdom to process my f***up moments.
Time to quit writing and experience the real world. I'm ready for a little personal growth yaaa!